Pirates of the Caribbean

I decided some time ago that since I have been living so close to South America (compared to the states) I really wanted to put my footprint on that continent. I have heard great things about Colombia from everyone who has been there, and horror stories from those who are clueless and have never been. I wanted to decide for my self.

Due to the Darien Gap, one of the wildest jungles on the earth, land travel across the southernmost point of the Panamanian isthmus is virtually impossible. Aside from being one of the thickest, wildest, untouched piece of wilderness on this planet, the only inhabitants are indigenous Indians who still live incredibly primitive, and FARC the Colombian gorilla fighters. Oh yea and thousands of different type of animals, including a shit load of malaria and dengue. The Panamerican Highway goes from Alaska down to Chile and only has one break, this is it.

Therefor the two logical means of getting from Central to South America are either air or sea ( it is possible to trek the Darien, but it is a bad idea and one must be out of their mind).

As air travel is quite boring and mundane, a sea adventure seemed like the sweeter option.

A pirats life for me!

This is quite common with travelers and there are often boats leaving from parts of Panama that arrive in parts of Colombia.

I found a catamaran, Ashanti, with its Captain Henry which was leaving in a few days, so I singed up and waited. Henry is a 50+ German sailor, probably the son of an Third Reich SS soldier. He is now living the lonely life of a sailor and it will soon be apparent why. Calling him socially awkward does not come close to doing the justice.

With a few days to go till I take off from the city I didn't have much to do as I had been around and seen all the sites. I proceeded to engage in one of my favorite pastimes, Binge Drinking. This continued up until and beyond Friday morning when I met at the pickup spot at 5AM to go to the boat. I met two of my fellow sailors, Nile and James, 2 British Blokes who were not traveling together, but randomly I get stuck with a bunch of Brits.

James has been a dive instructor in Bocas Del Torro and Dominical (get familiar with geography or look at a map) and he is a chillaxed surfer type dude, but British, which was a trip. And Nile (like the river) a prepubescent 19 year old traveling the Americas and trying to grow body hair.

We get to the boat in Carti, San Blas and we are greeted by another mate from the UK, Mat. This dude has been traveling all over the world, starting in Japan, did all of the orient and SE Asia and has now made his way down from the Bay Area.

When we boarded the sail boat, I thought Mat was the first mate, and greeted him with a very casually ¨Yo what up fool¨ as I would any amigo especially in my still inebriated state. He looks at me in shock and says in a funny British accent ¨ is that a term of endearment where your from¨ I told him yea and to stop trippin and help me with the bags and to hit the bottle of rum, he immediately followed my orders.

He also informed us to take of our sandals as the captain is incredibly anal about everything and that he will be back to demonstrate this character trait in a few minutes as he just left on the dingy to go get water and random supplys that are to last us the 5 days at sea.

At this point in time we decided that we need to talk to this guy Henry as we did not really have any clue what the deal was, and only that this guy should be taking us to Cartegena and we should get there in about 4-5 days. We had also said that we wanted to discuss the price and what was expected of us, like were we just chillin on the boat, or are we the crew? Either one would be cool, but we were very uninformed and needed to know como era la vara.

So Henry rolls up with a bunch of bottles of water and some tomatos and yells at us to go to the front and start passing the jugs and filling up the water tank. We follow directions, and it becomes apparent we are the crew.

We had decided as a group in the previous 10 minutes that if we were indeed the crew we could use this as a bargaining chip and try to get the price of the trip down. After filling the tank, bringing the dingy on board, and putting the bags away Henry proceeds to ask for passports and money. We bring up the point that this trip was explained to us as a holiday vacation and that if we were to be working could we get a discount.

Henry freaks out and is astonished at the fact that we would ask such a thing and in his mind we seemed like this group of whinny bitches who couldn't handle manning a ship. Our plan kind of backfired and got us off on a bad foot.

Henry:¨I can not believe I am having this conversation, what is this Kindergarten¨

Us: ¨Tranquilo Guebon, we just want to know whats the deal, as we have know info, so know we know the deal, Chill!¨

A great way to start a long joinery in a small boat about to be away from land for a few days. Thank God he did not know I am a Jew.

Shit cooled off and I took it upon me to make the situation chill and handle it and make it smooth, as I do! I calmed him down to the best of my ability and told the other mates that it would be cool. I mean whats the worst that could happen?

We then pulled up anchor, hoisted the sail, kicked the engine, and took off for our first destination, Porvenir Island in San Blas. This is where we need to get our exit stamps from Panama and some document that allows him to sail into Colombian waters.

Henry is showing us how to do things on the catamaran and he appoints me driver, and then takes the others to the port side of the bow and starts showing them how to work the boom and mast and all that.

Did he not smell the liquor on my breath, or rather see me carrying around the bottle of rum the whole time we were working? Whatever I don't think I'm gonna get a BUI in the Caribbean, well hopefully right.

We start to pull up to the Port after a few hours and Henry takes over driving. We drop anchor and the dingy and Henry takes off to the island with all our passports and to get the document. He comes back about 30 minutes later, and said

¨We have a big problem, the only guy who can stamp the passports left early today and wont be back until Tuesday, but hes going to fax a paper over that gives us permission to leave, but we can not get stamps, you are on the list as crew so you have permission and don't need the passports stamped, we shall still go!¨

¨Wait what?¨

At this point I am a bit wigged out as this guy is making his first journey from these particular ports, is acting like an AWOL U-boat captain, and we are trusting him with our lives, not only on the sea, but to get us into Colombia a country with revolutionary problems with out problems? I need another swig of rum!

The group seems to think it will be fine, Henry as well, so we sail on.

We drop anchor at our first island where we will be staying the night before taking off to the next one in the morning. We will then hit high water and will not see land for a few days.

At this point Henry and James are butting heads as James is down to work but is not having Henry´s attitude.

We could feel the water boiling.

Henry accuse James of being a lazy bitch, and James starts talking shit. Henry comes up chest to chest and then suddenly Henry shoves James off the boat!!!

We all look at each other astonished and at a loss of words. James was literally and physically just thrown off the boat.

James gets up on the boat and surprisingly calmly tells Henry how irresponsible, inexperienced, and unprofessional he is, and that he is staying on the island and wants his money back.

Henry agrees but makes James write and sign a declaration stating he is leaving on his own will.

Swig of rum.

Luckily a little Kuna boat is approaching and James flags them down and get on and takes off!

I take another swig of rum.

This was all within 5 minutes, and thank God that Kuna boat passed or who knows what kind of shit would have hit the fan.

We proceed to discuss these issues we had with Henry with him over a few drinks that night, and try to settle down. I dont know how much registered but Mat was very helpful and calm, great help in the situation.

We get up in the morning to one of the most beautiful island back drops in the world and forget all about the night before and the hangover I should have. Oh wait I'm still buzzin! However the feeling is serene!

That wears off soon, as we proceed to the sea and I start to get woozy. I go pull the trigger, get some toxins out, lay down, drink some water, pull the trigger, eat some fruit, jump in the water, and try to man up and grow some sea legs.

I did it and it was better.

Henry then casually informs us that we will each have to make a 2 hour night shift in the cockpit each night, making sure the boat does not crash. What?

¨Yes¨he said ¨The boat will be driving on auto pilot, but we always need to have someone making sure that we dont hit another boat and watch the depth and currents. You remember I showed you how to work the instruments?¨

¨Uh yea I guess we can do that, did you ever think of providing the hostals with this information to tell the passengers beforehand? So they can mentally prepare right?¨

He looks at me like Im a pussy.

We could not do anything right, weather it be cooking, cleaning, manning the wench, raising the sail, or taking a piss of the back.

He even got upset with me as I was singing,

Yo no soy marinero,

Yo no soy marinero,

Soy Capitan

Soy Capitan

Dude was the Gestapo!

After a few days of this we are approaching the port in Cartegena and Henry then decides he wants to tell me something.

¨Brandon, I know you speak Spanish, but let me speak to port authority, regrading the non stamps and funny faxed document, don´t say anything!¨

Now I had thought about this, if something were to occur I would play dumb to the fact that we did not even get our passports stamped, explain how he demanded them right off the bad and I did not know anything about the situation and trusted him, and if needed, let me pay the fine (bribe) to let me get the entry stamp and leave the boat and be on my way.

To Henrys credit I guess, we enter the port get our stamps after a few hours, and bounce.

What an experience! I learned a lot on this 4 day adventure. How to deal with different people in close quarters, how to be mature enough to deal with an unideal situation out of necessity, gained some sea legs, and last but not least, how to sail a bit.

In the end I must say and recommend to anyone who asks how to get to Colombia from Panama..... is there any question, dont be a pussy and sail!!!!

Yoho Yoho a pirates life for me